FORCED
by Rumified
Summary: FORCED is a psychological deconstruction of cause and effect between these two characters. It's a fiction of painfully in-depth exegesis of typical everyday human emotion and thought that is extremely exaggerated by critical thinking from yours truly, that focuses greatly on justification for the means of things making sense base on complicated situations that I put them in.
1. Chapter 1

There is a very good chance this will turn into some crazy angsty smut, fanfiction. So if you're into that short of shit, enjoy.

Warning: Shitload of errors and grammar. LOL

A/U Mikasa x Annie

"FORCED" Part ONE

"I'm not accustomed to begging" that's what Annie said with fainted frustration under Mikasa's grip. A small smirk arise on her lips upon hearing such confession. This was new to Mikasa, like Annie she wasn't used to torturing someone to submission. But Annie didn't need to know that. Not by a long shot. While the situation was entirely new for Mikasa since she was on top she can't allow herself to be challenged by her former decision to take the younger blond before her.

Mikasa hated losing, her vanity got the best of her ever since she made that outburst about being stronger than the others, knowing full and well that she was caught in the moment that she can't eat her words in front of Annie, not this far. Not this close to doing something so bold. It was that type of mentally and stubbornness that lead Mikasa to this mess.

But just now as those words escaped Annie's lips Mikasa's blood started pulsing through her and started to feel more warmer as a result. She was very excited by this new found control. Control that didn't even prove to be a challenge for her that Annie would sub-comb this easily. Annie was under her mercy, and she wouldn't do anything as foolish as letting her be and get off her. She quickly smirk and turned it into a challenge. 'Just how far can I push her?' Mikasas eyes bewilder. She fail to respond back to what Annie had stated earlier who was giving her a questionable look, but Mikasa quickly erase it by sliding one of her fingers into her mouth. Annie blinked. Once. Twice. Mikasa's finger dig deeper into her mouth that Annie had to suck it for an instance. Quickly without thinking, Annie close her teeth on it and bit on it surprising Mikasa who wanted to pull her finger out this minute. Annie released it and gave her a glare, "One more time... get off me. Please." Annie stated annoyed that she had to 'beg', this even startle Mikasa more. 'Not accustomed to begging huh..?' Mikasa wondered for an instance, knowing that this was a very poor excuse of a beg. Annie wasn't interested in any sexual relations had she had, she would had remain silent or even goatee her to keep going. She had to realize that Annie wasn't oppose of Mikasa on top of her, she was oppose of the unfamiliar, and this was unfamiliar to her.

Anywhere she doesn't have control over, she was against it. Annie wasn't curious about what Mikasa would do to her, or was even going through her mind when everything is happening. For an instance, Mikasa held back and began to think that Annie would be as kind to pretend this never happen. That this awkwardness would seize to exist. Just as quickly as that thought cross her mind, she quickly lend down and glared at her responding "And if I don't?" in a small whisper loud enough for Annie to hear. Her glare remain frozen on Mikasa, but she boldly stated "than do what you wanted. The sooner you do this, the faster it'll be over."

Mikasa was floored, taken completely off guard. This wasn't what she expected. With her mind racing she came to the conclusion that she wasn't going to be ignored, that she won't be just a speed bump for Annie to get over, that this really meant something to her. Enough to get the courage to actually pin the young girl down. Whatever she was going to do meant nothing in the eyes of Annie, and this actually upsetted her. After all the effort to made to get her alone for at least half an hour away from everyone, she wasn't going to allow herself to just be 'over with'. Annie stared at the confused girl for a moment and notice her biting her lower lip knowing full and well she was in deep thought. Their lack of communication was actually nerving Annie, she couldn't move, she knew the moment she'll put strength on her arms, Mikasa will force herself on her again to keep her down.

She looked to the side and saw Mikasa's hand gripping on tightly to the sheet covers, forming a cage for Annie with her body so she won't escape. Annie's eyes open wider, and suddenly felt the seriousness of the situation. How much this means to her, her heart started to race, and her lips parted some as if she were about to speak and turns to face Mikasa in efforts to try to talk the girl out of doing whatever she was going to and is faced quickly with her lips. Soft lips pressed against her. Annie's eyes were widen open, she wasn't accustomed to begging, she was accustomed to being pin down, wrestle about, being physical with someone during training, but this was nothing she has ever experience before.

Kindness. Love even. Mikasa slipped her tongued in and Annie started to squirm under her sudden confusion about what is happening now. 10 long seconds which could had been hours for Annie who was blushing red by the time Mikasa pulled back. 'Out of all the things you could had done..' Annie began thinking giving her a small glare and finally asks "why?" between her pants. It was so simple, it didn't add to her what Mikasa was probably looking for. Unless she wasn't done, it didn't make any sense why any of this was happening. There was no confession from her either.

Mikasa smiled, very content with herself and started to get off her finally. "I want to keep you aching.." She said standing up on her own two feet looking down at Annie who was now sitting up confused by her respond beyond belief. "How? I don't understand." Annie stated pulling herself up as well. "You don't have to. I'll come back for more later.." Mikasa stated as she started to walk out. "-Wait!" Annie shouted walking up to her pulling her from her jacket making her stop in her tracks. "Answer me one thing, why did you kiss me?" Annie asked in all seriousness.

Mikasa was silence for a moment. "I want you to remember me. Everyone remembers their first kiss." She finally stated and opens the door leaving Annie behind speechless.


	2. Chapter 2

Annie was left alone in the small room where Mikasa had just stolen her first kiss trying to decipher what all of this meant. Replaying all the things that Mikasa had said earlier. _Does it even matter knowing?_ Was all Annie could think of and she _desperately_ wanted to know just how cruel Mikasa can be to do something like this. She honestly began to wonder if Mikasa actually _hated_ her. _She was right about one thing though, I'm not going to forget you at all_.

Annie thoughts came to a sudden stop as Sasha burst into the room scaring the living daylights out of her. She almost took a step back. "Mikasa said there was bread here!" Sasha asked excitedly as Annie tried to hold her compulsore and tried her best to get back to her usual self. Sash's statement actually confirm any ill thoughts she had of Mikasa, _she was cruel indeed_. "I ate it!" Annie blurted as she made her way out leaving behind a devastated girl inside take her place. Dinner time was around the corner and Annie found herself making her way to the mess hall.

_What sweet Hell is this..? _Annie's leg began to fidget. She couldn't keep her eyes off Ackerman, she felt slowly suffocating knowing that something had happened between them, and pretending to shrug it off was actually nerving her. _Just what will you do later?_ Is all I could think of. _Its all I __need__ right now. An itch? _Annie didn't wish to think about_ that, _her eyes shifted some and notice that Bertholdt has been trying to get her attention for the past five minutes. "Is it Mikasa you're looking at?" He asked curious staring off at the direction Annie was looking, that comment actually got her mad. _Right. Like that wasn't a giveaway, Annie.  
_Suddenly annoyed by herself, by Bertholdt, by everyone around her for becoming so obvious, for being put in that position, _a position that Mikasa putted me in, _Annie _wasn't_ going to answer that _obvious_ question, suddenly she felt _caged_ in once more and quickly glared at Bertholdt who quickly began to eat his own words as Annie stood up. _I don't have to take this! _Short temper, that was one of things Annie was known for. And this was a prime example of it. She knew that her reaction was making all the difference between being indifferent to her existence, to being caught red handed that she was in fact _staring_ at her with impure thoughts. "Wait, Annie-" Bertholdt started to speak hoping to reverse time somehow for only _pointing out something so obvious_, and the worst part of it all, Annie wasn't mad at him to begin with. She was angry that she was _expose_ in some manner, _wait expose? _She quickly glances up and sees that everyone is looking at her, including Mikasa.

That revelation almost floored her from embarassment and she made eye contact with her from across the dining room. _Now I must really get away._ With a sudden reflex, she bolted out of her seat and walked outside slamming the door behind her. "Oh.. she did the same thing again." Sasha took notice as she stuff her face once more recalling the sadness of not being feed any bread at all. "Hmm?" Connie question Sasha and ignored it and turned his attention to Bertholdt. With a big smirk he adds in "Nice one, Bertholdt." Connie sarcastically stated with thumbs up and a wink, Connie, much like the others weren't surprise by Annie's odd en-devours, if anything they half expected Bertholdt or Reiner to followed suit, but when one of them _pissed _her off, it was anyone's guess who could follow her now. "I wonder what is up with Annie _this time_" Eren asked as he took a bite of his bread bewilder by the earlier events as he faced Armin who only shrugged it off. Mikasa lowered her eyes and balled her fist under the table feeling conflicted about the whole thing. _Part of me wants to chase her. But I can't be that obvious. I must wait. _Mikasa bit her lower lip once more and pretend to be _normal_, and for a moment, felt like Annie, _inside a cage._


	3. Chapter 3

_Damnit Bertholdt. Damnit it Mikasa. Damn- _Annie seriously had to stop for a moment before she started damming the whole World. Finally coming to a stop after leaving the way she did near an alleyway she leaned her back against it and sighed looking up into the sky. She never wonder why so many idle their days away staring into the sky, today she finally understood. Annie closed her eyes and parted her lips enough to utter "Damn you... Mikasa" _Take responsibility. _That line flashed before her.

_Take responsibility. _She blinked at that, debating what it could mean. _Should I beat her? Just how does one take responsibility-S_he suddenly stops on her tracks and took a bite of her lower lip as her cheeks begin to flustered letting the feeling sink in of what she _wanted _it to mean. What she _needed_ it to be. She did a slight shrug and started to feel that itch as she touched her lips slowly feeling her chest quicken. "Take responsibility, Mikasa."

Annie suddenly stops with a determine look knowing what needs to be done. What _needs_ to happen, she gets off the wall and starts to make her way back. _Paused. Go back there? After that exit? _Faced with a new challenge, she finds it easier to just go back to the rooms and _wait _for her. _Wait._

_Wait. After that how will you be able to accomplish this without creating attention to yourself? _Annie froze. Feeling defeated. _Caged. _Balling her fists knowing that she had to be _delicate. Delicate. That word doesn't suit me at all. _Annie scoffed but for a moment she was impress how Mikasa manage to get her alone those few minutes earlier. _Earlier. Just earlier your life was so simple. _Annie thinks for a moment, instead of feeling sadness she's actually _grateful _that someone was _kind _to her.

_Kindness? Is that what you think that was? Are you that naive to not know the difference? Isn't she cruel for doing this to you? For putting you into this position? _Annie wanted to scream. She was beyond confuse and conflicted. She wanted whatever this is to be over with. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. _Being at her end rope here, _now I really want to scream. _Facing the sky and parting her lips with ball fist a familiar male figure appears suddenly. "Reiner?" she chokes the name out as her eyes widen knowing that once again she's being _exposed_ and pauses. "Did Bertholdt said something stupid again?" He asked concerned in her usual self coming closer to her. _Fuck me indeed. Anyone but Reiner._ "I don't need a _big brother."_ Annie stated and forgot for a moment that she truly wanted to scream, more than ever. Her comment made Reiner take a step back, knowing by now that he's in a landmine field and anything that will come out of his mouth will more than likely set _all of them off_.

_When in doubt, agree! _Reiner thought and quickly responded saying "Yeah Bertholdt is an idiot." Smiling nervously facing her. Annie's eyes widen, and quickly return to her seldom expression. Utterly unimpressed. She closed her eyes and did a mild head shake and began to walk away reminding Reiner once again how _useless_ he can be at times. "Don't worry about me, Reiner." She began and allow her body to do any answering about _how uninterested_ she is about Reiner's comments. _I don't know where I want to go but I honestly can't deal with this. One thing is certain I can't stay here caged in anymore._


	4. Chapter 4

With fast reflects, Reiner said, "I'll not trouble you, then, but I'd like to ask you something Annie."

Annie froze and turn around intrigued by the sudden formality that was rare coming from her peer. "Yes?" Even now, Annie could not help it: _You will respond promptly when addressed. _She hoped he didn't mistake her prompt reaction for anything but what it was—training—but at the same time, she didn't care. It didn't matter, anyway. He would do what he wished—what any of the guys wish, Annie had no control over anyone. "Did you enjoy yourself?" He was not berating her. His tone was not condescending. He was honestly curious. And there was something more…a sort of sarcasm in his voice.

It was almost too much for Annie to bear. She had been able to clear her mind and hold herself in check as she walked into the mess hall earlier, but now she felt that it was simply too much. _Did I enjoy myself, he asks. I felt like I was really…living. Wait. Does he know something? _Annie really had to think for a minute what he meant, he couldn't possibly know what happen between her and Mikasa. Her heart began to sink and suddenly felt _expose _once again. Being exposed and being cage in was a thing of the norm this day. Annie wasn't happy about any of this. "What do you mean, Reiner?" She finally asked, a safer bet. Reiner remain quiet with a serious expression "Do you enjoy making us worry about you?" He finally stated. Landmine or not, Reiner wanted to risk it all to ask that very important _pivotal_ question.

Inside, Annie was screaming.

Relieved that for a moment, she wasn't that expose, that she wasn't that obvious. But yet again Reiner isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. Late in this point Annie didn't really care, she was _grateful_ it was something.. _stupid._ And even if it was harsh, she in fact wanted to scream for saying something so stupid. She didn't wish to belittle his _serious _question, but Reiner failed to notice that Annie had bigger concerns to worry about. Gathering her composure once more she finally speaks "As flattering as it may seem to be on your everyday topic and mind I won't indulge you on saying something you may wish to hear, the fact remains that I never asked either of you to _babysit _me." Reiner's eyes widen and started to speak only to have Annie cut him off looking more incredibly annoyed than before. "It's a shame and _hurtful_ that neither respect me enough to be on my own for at least one fucking day." It was rude, it was harsh, but it was accurate. And she would never apologize for being accurate. She starts to make her leave and while she would had wish that Reiner wasn't at the receiving end of all that, she didn't wish to be reminded of how _weak_ she can be to her peers that would let themselves believe that she needs to be babysat at all times.

Reiner remain silent and let her leave the alleyway. Suddenly, Annie felt better. Whatever this new found independence feeling gave her was soon escaping as she notice Mikasa leave the mess hall alone. Her heart skipped as she stood in silence feeling a sensation overwhelmed her as Mikasa made her way towards her. _Wait. Reiner._ She was reminded yet again that had to escape, she couldn't have Mikasa face her while Reiner is in the background still flabbergasted about her earlier statements. And while knowing full and well that he was still in that shock he may not even notice her, but there was something Annie must anticipate, not knowing what Mikasa may want or even do to _her_. Her mind racing with many thoughts, _feeling caged_, she didn't wish to be exposed like this in front of anyone.

Mikasa was stopped by Krista midway, and Annie was grateful that that bought her some time to think. _Unless.. Mikasa may leave. _Annie was faced with a new problem. _What if she doesn't come here anymore? What if, what if I'm still waiting for what she'll do next? What if, what if anyone finds out. _Her thoughts hit a focus as she seems Krista smile at Mikasa, _exchanges words is no issue. But what words. Why did she smiled at her? Wait, Krista is always smiling. That's nothing new. _Reiner was no longer her concerned, her attention was elsewhere. It was solely on Mikasa, so focus on her that she fail to notice a group of men behind her that they nearly knock her over. Spook and shaken, one of the males apologizes and keep walking. blocking her view briefly. Feeling anxious she tries to maneuver around them and suddenly her heart sinks as she sees that she lost sight of Mikasa. _What was that? That couldn't had been more than 10 seconds? _Annie thinks trying to rationalize just what was goingwith her eyes scanning all over, seeing Krista walked by wasn't any helped, Mikasa was _gone, _and Annie wasn't going to do anything as mad as actually question her about her whereabouts. She didn't wanted to be known that she was looking for _her._

Feeling defeated, and damning her height once more, she gives up and starts walking back to the dorms. She was ready for the day to be over. Annie started to feel a throbbing pain in her head, she touched it and lower her eyes and tried her best to shake off the feeling, her mind was overworking more than usual, knowing that her emotions are getting the best of her. _I wished... Mikasa was talking to me instead of Krista. _Jealousy was something that Annie firmly believed she would never be bother with. Just as she makes the turn towards the longer path to the rooms, Annie gasps as she's jerk into a dark room with force. Quickly getting on guard was proving to be difficult as she felt stronger hands take charge as they grab her wrists and pin them against the wall making Annie's back hit it with some force. Her eyes quickly widen recalling a similar situation earlier and quickly confirms the identity of the person as she blurts out the red scarfs girl name.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note

irst off, excuse my lateness. I've been _busy_. I want you guys to be aware how _emotionally_ _draining_ it is to write about these two. I love them to pieces but it's such a mindfuck that I don't think you guys notice. Chances are you will in this fic. I also want you to know that this became _really_ long that I actually had to cut it and save the rest for P6. Anyways, I feel like I do my best work when I do it from a POV of a character because it allows me to be more descriptive and detail; and I find Annie to be that particular character because not much is known about her. That doesn't mean that I won't ever bother doing Mikasa, because, like Annie I find them both to be one in the same. They are both very complex characters that in all honesty, you can enjoy just reading from their POVs, at least to me that is. One day I think I will. I'll be sure to make a note of it. Also, there is a paragraph of Annie's inner monolog somewhere that I actually _tone_ down a lot, due to the graphic nature. So if you find that bad, the original one was worst. I also want to point out that recently I been working on COLLARBONE and my writing style tends to change so you may see some of it here. I'm always experimenting, so don't expect any Parts to ever be the same in any of my fictions. If you are familiar with my works, _italic sentences_ are still inner thoughts.

"Mikasa" Annie said. Her eyes quickly adjusting to the darkness and her new found position. _Similar position nonetheless. _The only difference was that Annie wasn't very much thrown off guard. And she wasn't fully _against _it. In fact, it actually surprises her how quickly she adapted to it. Mikasa had remained silent, still pinning Annie down, not even easing up on the strength she had placed against her wrists. It was as if she were to do that and Annie could escape. _What a frightening idea that was, a lone wolf out in the wild that needed to be captured. _And while Annie tried her best to remain _calm_ it was beyond nerve wrecking. It had become so unbearable that she honestly wanted to scream. _Mikasa probably won't say much, and I for the life of me can't seem to ask the right thing. But when did questions themselves became so problematic to even ask?_ _Especially when it's something obvious._

_You shouldn't ask stupid questions.._ Annie reminded herself briefly trying to narrow down what was worth asking. It was clear that neither of them were big on words that she came to the ultimate conclusion that whatever was going to happen wasn't going to be fixed by _them_. They were both a little too smart for their own good. And they both have more or less have a similar idea of what was happening around them. _One of the many things we have in common._

_Frustration_. It was written all over Mikasa's face, the answer behind her strength and actions. Annie felt a little better inside as she realizes that she wasn't the only one having difficulties these past few hours. _Another thing in common._

Annie closes her eyes, starts to relax her shoulder blades and lets them fall, her muscles loosen, and her feet firmly on the ground, feeling her body become defenseless feeling gravity take her entirely as a whole. Feeling suddenly heavy she inhales softly and opens her eyes looking back at Mikasa who was very much still staring at her with full interest.

"What will you do to me?" Annie whispers softly, staring at her. _It wasn't a stupid question. _

This startles Mikasa upon hearing it that she actually takes a step back and then forward once more trying her best to gather herself. _Frustration and confusion_. _Well, that's never a good mix_. Annie ponders as she studies her expression, knowing that she may have set herself on one of her own personal landmines. _It still isn't a stupid question. I honestly need to know._ Mikasa can't determine if Annie just identified her as a sexual predator base those words. It was a _frightening_ idea to have, that the one person you like may think so little of you to the point of dropping you to such level. Mikasa didn't realize how much those words actually _hurt _her. But she was quickly aware that she was to blame; she was the one who came at her _like this_. Something had to change. _This is no time to question the minor things_, Annie wasn't going to be bothered with _petty_ things like this, and she honestly wanted to know what Mikasa would do to her. _This time_. If she would finish what she had started. If she would-

Annie had to pause her train of thought, _would I let her finish?_

Annie's mind jumped someplace she didn't really want it going, this was suddenly a very troubling situation. _Vulnerability_ was something Annie was trained to _not _have. For Mikasa to even consider _finishing_ Annie had to be completely defenseless-_you_ _stupid girl-you just let your guard down moments earlier. Have you forgotten?_ Annie's eyes jolted at this fact.

But something else captures her attention, her wrists felt lighter, Mikasa was lifting her strength off them, her fingers started to fall off her slowly tracing down her forearms leaning forward close their small gap and Annie capture a _hurtful_ expression in her eyes. If only, _if only_ she hadn't witness that expression-there would have been nothing to stop Annie from _escaping_ this situation. _What of your curiosity? Have you forgotten? Do you not want to see this through once and for all? _ Conflicted as ever, Annie remains stoic. Her inner thoughts were getting the best of her. Mikasa had let her guard down fully before her, mimicking her earlier moves. Annie wasn't sure what to make of this new found freedom, it was certainly not expected. She never would have imagined Mikasa being that _exposed_ to her. Mikasa leans closer and finally whispers into Annie's ear "I wanted to kiss you again." And presses her lips against her temple as her hands begin to cup Annie's face gently. "I wanted to hold you again." She adds in.

Whatever error Mikasa had made was already done, and she couldn't go back on it. She couldn't apologize either. It was her honest truth, she did want to see her again. She did want to kiss her once more. And the moment Annie left the mess hall, it was the worst moment of all because there was nothing she could do about it. She was the cost of this. Maybe if she was nicer about asking Annie out into this dark room would have suffice. Maybe words were all she needed. _Maybe-just maybe._

Annie had closed her eyes as she let those words sink in, and all of a sudden, it just wasn't fair. Her body began to shivered, she felt a pain across her chest. Her throat started to ache. Mikasa's lips felt hot against her. Her vision became so blurry. Everything became so _awful_. Her body started shaking and she felt tears come out so violently, slowly but surely, she was struggling just to stay up on her feet.

_Kindness_.

Kindness was something she never expected. Not in this cruel World. And certainly not from the best in their class who she even considers a beast herself. Kindness was something that was offered to children from their parents, the love and support from dear ones just to make it through the day. Never to soldiers, never to any trainee in group 104. _This. This- This was just unbearable. It just wasn't fair._

Annie was crying. Silently. She could deal with the brute force that Mikasa delivered time and time again, she can deal with the pinning and manhandling, but _never _kindness. Being aware of what was happening, Mikasa remains still in place and kisses her temple once more as she moves her thumb, clearing off any tears Annie had shed breaking the flow. Annie grips on to Mikasa's clothes trying her best to not fall as her leg begins to fidget. _I mustn't stumble. Not like this. Not now. _Quicklydetermine, Annie summons the strength to regather her footing to see this through. She refuses to bow down to her, to lose her entire existence at this one moment. _But it was just so_ _damn painful_. Everything just dawns on her, everything started to fall into place. Inside Annie was screaming.

_Why couldn't you just fuck me? Rape me. Take me everytime you wanted in secret. Why do you have to be so nice? Can't you see? Can't you see what you're doing to me? You're confusing me. You're changing me. I AM the happiest with you, I must admit, but this is just too much. Why didn't you take me as you pulled me into that door, why not like earlier in that vacant room? You kissed me against the floor, and I allow it, I wouldn't mind if you had done that again, I really wouldn't. But yet you go on and you do this. You make me want you, crave you, fight with my emotions, crave you more, disgrace myself, confuse myself. This is why we're here now, with me crying, with you concern, all because you gave me something no one else has. Kindness. You're not touching me, you're ALLOWING me to cry, you're not using force, you're not pinning me down, turning me over, claiming me, fucking me on the floor which I know you can, and I wouldn't have the strength to push you off, I probably wouldn't have protested, scream for you to stop. I probably would have begged. Isn't that what you wanted? For me to beg earlier? Can't you see that I'm CONFUSE, make the choice for me. Claim me without me telling you. Fuck me. Do it already. WHY ARE YOU THIS CRUEL TO ME!?_

Annie closed her eyes sharply as she let out a soft cried letting the tears flow down her as her own voice echo nothing but the truth, harsh truths. _Expose. That's what it was. And it's painful. _Annie entire existence finds it focus as rage fills inside her. It amazed Annie how anger and despair were so coincided with the point of it being a blur line.

_Frankly. I had enough._ Taking matters into her own hands, she steps forward and sticks her tongue out and licks her jawline. Mikasa's body quickly jolts at this new found sensation and takes a step back looking at Annie who was cleaning her tears off with her jacket looking at her with a small glare. _Dissatisfaction _was written on her face. Without hesitation Annie pulls her hand outward and grabs Mikasa's scarf and yanks it towards her again forcing the brunette back into her; _by all means necessary,_ she'll be damn if there is a gap between them now. A gasp is heard escaping Mikasa's lips as her body comes at Annie violently feeling partially choked from that pull that she quickly puts her own hands out to break her fall before crashing into her and Annie doesn't waste time lowering the scarf down enough to see more of her skin and runs her tongue once more against it up to her jawline at a swift speed tasting her skin.

_You're mine. _

To Annie, this was in her comfort zone. And she felt _entitled_ to Mikasa's body. That she is _allowed_ to do this to her.

Mikasa lets out another gasp and starts panting feeling her heart race at this sudden change of pace feeling heated inside. Annie starts to suck on her expose skin and Mikasa starts to feel dismantle. "Annie..." she whimpers feeling her cheeks fluster, her hands losing any strength they had left. Annie's heart starts racing, she refuses to cry anymore like this, _it's all so meaningless. That's what this is. Meaningless. Just two lonely people licking each other's wounds. Just hoping to feel 'good' just for a moment._ Suddenly, Annie's focus is on Mikasa's scarf, it was getting in the way of anything she wanted to do. She starts to unravel it off knowing she could do a much better job than Mikasa was led to believe in. _Without this. Without holding back-_

With reflexes like a beast, Mikasa summons all her strength back and brings Annie to a full stop. "No!" She shouts. Annie blinks once more trying to make sense of what was happening with her heart racing. She had to assess what was going on. Mikasa lets her go and takes a step back fixing her scarf. "Just don't." She said looking concern back at her and it finally hit Annie just what was the problem. The cause of all of this. Annie wasn't being rejected, her former action was. This floor her.

"You're such an asshole." Annie stated boldly as she balls her fists standing on her ground. She glare, she was partially hurt, partially angry and she'll be damn if Mikasa was hurt by it. "Go back to Eren!" She shouted. It pained her to actually say it. A part of her wanted to laugh at the beautiful irony of this. The main reason why this would never work to begin with. It was always with her. She wasn't going to compete for it. She _simply had enough_ of this nonsense and started to make her way out. It wasn't fair that she had to be the receiving end, the one to be always dominated, _it was just so painfully sad._ Fighting back her tears, Annie couldn't really decide if they were tears of frustration, of how ironic this all was, or just because she was in pain. It all felt the same to her. _It hurts. _ She quickly changed her footing and begins to aim for the door.

"Don't ever say something so cruel!" Mikasa shouts as she makes a grab for Annie's jacket determine to not have her leave. Annie wasn't sure what her outburst was focusing on but right now, she wasn't sure what she'd have to say to that. But she was certain of one thing: _I had enough_. "Don't touch me!" Annie cries out as she yanks her arm out of Mikasa's reach feeling disgust take over her. "I don't want none of it." It was Mikasa's turn to be confused. She was hurt. Badly. She had familiarize herself whenever Eren would reject her, and she didn't lose sleep over it, she had grown accustomed to it. But not this. This was _worse_. _Far worse. _And she knew that if she let her be, Mikasa wouldn't sleep for months. Her heart started to ache.

There. There it was; that very same expression that Annie had moments earlier. Had Mikasa paid close attention she would have seen how much agony she had put her through that maybe she would have _done something differently had she known_. How everything disperses into tears. _Another thing we now share. It's your turn to feel it. I promise you won't like it._


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note

I have no comment. I am like devastated. Oh my poor babies, I don't know why I make them suffer so much. 'FORCED' is like the most devastating fan-fiction, I have ever written. It's incredibly challenging because I invest so much in these emotions. I really put myself in their places. The title is so fitting at this point because I'm literally forcing myself to just type it. But I'm also so fascinated by it. Like 'wow, is this really happening?' I know it makes no sense considering that I'm the writer, and I can make up anything I want, but to me it needs to make sense. I need to have justification for why that is, not because I_feel_ like it. _To me_, this is how the characters would realistically react if they were faced under those situations base on their current personalities. Not exactly making them up just to fit whatever I want. Anyways, that's just my intake. Thanks to those that still read my drivel nonsense, and all the notes any of my stories may get. You guys make me want to keep continuing them.  
**_**

_It's your turn to feel it. I promise you won't like it._

On cue, Mikasa's resolve was finding its way to her eyes as she started to shed tears out. Her vision was now blurry. She couldn't see Annie very well, but she felt that Annie _hated_ her. No. That was an understatement. She believes it. Annie's angry expression soften at this not expecting it. It very much pained her to see her like this but she wasn't going to falter at her display of emotion. She couldn't afford to. My_world is my enemy, what makes you so different?_ Determine to not budge with her fists still shaking from before, she was trying her best to gain control of herself once more. Her eyes quickly averted their entire attention to Mikasa who was starting to hold on to her scarf. _Her livelihood._

Something went off in her head that she couldn't make sense of it as much as she tries. Her entire body enrage with sudden anger she charges forward, pushing Mikasa hard on the floor topping her as she shouts "He's not here to save you! Stand on your own two feet you coward!" Her eyes watered, entire vision impair she was crying her heart out as she let them hit Mikasa's face like silver bullets who was now also in tears. Annie couldn't pinpoint the reasons why, but it never crossed her mind that Mikasa was _sorry_about everything. She couldn't see it in her eyes even if she wanted to. All she needed to know was that she was _there_, taking everything Annie gave her.

_All of these, is painful. Painful, agonizing familiarity._

Annie grabs Mikasa's shirt, digging her fingers in and she'll be damn if that's the last things she'll say to her. Damn be her blurry vision, damn be her tears overflowing, damn if she was sorry, damn if Mikasa's in tears. "You expect me to give myself fully to you, but you won't to me? How dare you?!" She cries out looking at her with the most painful expression Mikasa has ever seen. Each and every word were piercing through her skin, forcing themselves into her unwillingly. She knew Annie was right about every single one of them. She was guilty on all charges. Mikasa was covered in guilt, and for a moment felt that she wasn't even good enough to have Annie crying over her. She simply wanted to die.

Annie hits the pavement with her ball fists and cries out "You had no right to force yourself that way to me!" Pain is quickly shooting up through her hands, and feels it intensify on her wrists forcing her to close her eyes sharply feeling pain take over her. _FUCK. _She wasn't thinking at all. With her heart, expose on her sleeve, about to burst from her chest, consume with anger, pain and disappointment, she straightens herself up sitting on top of her and runs her hand across her eyes having her sleeves clean any of her tears regaining her vision back.

Annie's panting softly, her heart still racing trying to let air back into her lungs and pulls her head back adverting her eyes to the ceiling in utter silence trying to gather herself from the headache she was now getting. Her head was spinning. It was pulsating. Nothing seem to be in focus. Her eyes swift to the side and notices that the entire room has becomes more visible. The air is damper. She can breathe some of the dust in her nostrils, she can even taste the wet puddle on the floor that was nearby. Everything looked brighter. She can see clearly everything around her. Feeling bias about the choice of location, not forming any real opinion about why Mikasa had picked this room, besides the fact that it was empty, she closes her eyes for a moment allowing herself to calm her sudden heart rate inhaling deeply. Her body started to tune in at the silent echoes of her shouts from earlier. They were very loud to her. Her ears were pulsating that her words were now lingering within her. The fact that it _was_ a dark room with no light coming in eluded her. It just looks brighter to her.

_That's how you know you been here long enough. Everything eventually makes sense then. Eventually. Everything does. Will this too?_

Silence. That was all she needed right now. Time to think. Annie's mind venture to a place it never had before. Not since _then_, and a part of her _desperately_wanted to be happy. To be at ease. To not be bothered with anything at all. To be free. Annie had allowed herself to go numb, she could sense the pulsating fingers that were still in pain from that hit she made, only she could no longer feel it. She started to feel something _lift_ off her chest, something she didn't have earlier. It was no longer tight. It wasn't aching as bad. _Relief. Perhaps. No._ _Resolved. _Annie begins to really wonder what her life has become. Where it was going. What led her here in the first place? What could make her happy?

_Mikasa_. Her eyes jolted open and she was back staring at the ceiling; she had honestly forgotten about her for a moment. And for a moment, she was grateful that Mikasa allowed her to be the way she needed to. She was grateful that she didn't speak. _For once._ Grateful that nothing broke the silence in that cold dusty room. Annie couldn't have dealt with any interruptions, she honestly wouldn't know what she would have said or done if Mikasa had utter nothing more than a word. She honestly couldn't.

Mikasa was a fright. Nervous. And full of confusion lying perfectly still. Her heart hadn't stopped racing. She couldn't speak even if she wanted to. Not after that display Annie gave her. _She had no right._Mikasa's tears had faded but the pain was agonizingly present. Annie saw it all over her face.

Silence. Once more.

Mikasa's heart skips a beat as Annie unexpectedly leans down to kiss her in a swift movement. There was no pause. No hesitation behind her actions. Mikasa was beyond confused. It actually frighten her. Annie repeats this twice before deciding to slide her tongue in as if testing the waters before going in fully. She merges herself completely into her for a moment, as if the prior events _never_happened. Mikasa was conflicted. But she wasn't going to stop her from doing what she _wanted_. Mikasa could only respond back to it as cautiously as possible.

Annie shifts her head to the left still with her lips sealed against the brunettes, getting a better position for it, she muffles a soft whimper of pleasure. She finally comes to a stop deciding that she got her _fill_, she retrieves once more hovering her lips above Mikasa's and whispers "Don't ever speak again." Mikasa widens her eyes as she hears this watching Annie pull back finally getting off her with a straight expression. There was no remorse in her eyes, she could see that she finally made up her mind as she made her way to the door. She had little to no idea that Annie was still very much in a daze. That her head was pulsating as she said those words. Most importantly, that she was still numb.

It didn't matter; inside, Mikasa was broken.

As Annie lets the door close behind her, she has little to no idea, that she's walking out with Mikasa's voice.


	7. Chapter 7

This entire 'part' is from Mikasa's POV. GASP. I will not sit here and assume that I _know_ what these characters are capable of, and that I know them inside and out, because I don't. I doubt anyone really does considering so little is shown about them. All of this is _best guess_if anything, and my realistic point of view on how they can actually be if they were undergoing these situations. But I will say that I _do understand_ what they are going through because I have been a victim of it in the past. However, I will not state which parts. I also mention before that I'm finally starting to shed light on the subject that I had planned on writing about but fail to do so because I ended up typing so many pages. I can't _just_ get into the subject, it needs to have a proper buildup of justification for it. Much like P5 and P6, it's really twists my insides to write such things about them. Getting into that mind-frame is difficult. It's not an easy walk in the park for me. And I will admit that I even upset me halfway that I honestly had to stop several times much like before. But I do it because I'm an idiot. A determine idiot for no reason. Okay, so maybe I'm just fascinated about the turn of events that I'm curious to see how far I can go with it. Like, _seriously who would had thought..._  
_

Mikasa's body starts to shiver, she is getting cold just by laying there on the floor staring at the ceiling like Annie was earlier. Wondering _just what _she could had been staring at. _Answers perhaps_. She didn't bother to get up. _Not yet._ She honestly believes she very much needs to be there, on the floor, on the dirt, because she honestly feels like it; _dirt_. Mikasa must have honestly given that ceiling her entire attention for a good 5 minutes, and she was nowhere near any answers. The crack on it wasn't helping matters. It was just a reminder of how she feels inside. _Broken._Her chest was aching. She closes her eyes for a moment and allows herself to be consume by sadness. The emptiness of it all.

_You'll catch a cold._Eren would say. If only if it wasn't for that _tone_ he'd use, she would honestly let those words bounce off her. _The type of tone that seem irritated to be taking care of you, that you should know better._ The tone that was spiteful with concern masked behind it. Because Mikasa knew that if she were to get sick, Carla wouldn't forgive Eren; and that was the source of his tone, she was his _bother_ person. Like Annie was now hers.

_If only it didn't hurt me so._

And she even wondered once deeply if he would be happier with her _gone_. Life just seem to lose all its meaning. _Would Annie be happier if I was just gone? _Once more, her heartache worsen. She shakes her head at that_—_quickly_—_ it is just _too sad_ of a thought. It's as dire as the situation outside. _Bleak._ She just honestly doesn't care about anything at this point. And she wouldn't mind if a Titan attacks right now—and it wasn't because she wants to die, but because that was something she can _handle._ That is something she is naturally good at. And she knows she will be needed then. But the only thing Mikasa really wants right now was for Annie to _need_ her. To _want_her just as badly as her heart wants her.

Annie's body heat vanishes. She is no longer here. Her scent even faded and Mikasa can no longer smell it. On cue, she licks her lips slowly. _Just what am I doing?_Mikasa knows what she is doing, but it didn't change the fact that she would asked herself that. It is her last desperate attempt to capture anything _left_of the blond girl that was with her moments earlier. Her eyes jolted not expecting to still be able to taste her.

The last bit surprised her, she is not expecting to find anything but is very much hopeful that she would_—no I needed to find trace of her still—needed like an old man needs a second chance of life on his death bed._ _Just needed._She quickly makes another face as she fails to realize how this has affect her. _Fuck._Devastation overwhelms her. _God, I really am stupid._ _Why would I do that to myself?_ Her body shiver_—_it is kind enough to snap her mind into focus by sending her another reminder. Using her elbows she rises up and finally turns on her side and rubs her eyes with her free hand.

Gravity is not her friend. She feels _heavy_ and pauses as she looks down on the ground.

_'Don't ever say something so cruel!_' was the last thing Mikasa said to Annie. It is now echoing in her ears. _Irony_. _At its finest._Because that's what it was. Mikasa couldn't say anything. 'Don't ever speak again', those words cross her mind and she made it her top priority to not _forget_it, remembering it allows her to recollect the bittersweet memories of Annie's soft lips had placed on her moments ago, she had been confused by it all, but grateful nonetheless; _s_he can still feel them. _That was Annie's kindness. Perhaps._Mikasa just _needed_to believe that she can even if she didn't anymore.

_Delusional_. _Also at its finest._

'_Don't ever speak again.'_Once more it echo in her mind as she stands up. Once more Mikasa reminds herself of how broken she feels inside. There is not enough ropes in the entire area to tie her back up. She's badly hurt. Still under the impression that Annie _must_ really hate her to be that cruel to her. _Mean perhaps._

_But I deserved it. I'm certain. But why did she kissed me like that? To torture me long enough to be reminded of what I can't have? Or was it so she can just whisper those words to me? No. If she wanted to, she could had just whisper it without kissing me—or maybe—_

Mikasa has to seriously stop. In the most literal sense as her feet stop moving forward. The only thing she is accomplishing is a massive headache and her heart was racing rapidly as a result.

_—maybe she really likes me._These bittersweet words suddenly coming from within and Mikasa allows herself to think that foolish thought just for a second_—_a small second of a whisper inside her head letting herself be so_hopeful_ that it builds inside so fast that it burst into her eyes rendering herself to tears. Mikasa is at a loss. Her legs are shaking and she starts rubbing her eyes frantically confuse as can be crying once more, but she is certain of one thing_—_just how much she deeply hates this.

It has taken her a good 10 minutes to gather herself to a presentable state to finally exit the room. She knows her eyes are red. She has to make sure to leave no traces of any more tears down her cheeks, and is grateful that the sun was setting so no one could notice anything really off her. _Not like anyone would ask._Mikasa isn't the most approachable person in the league. She is under the impression that many are intimidated by her to _just_walk up to her for a quick chat.

_Chat?_Mikasa finds that hilarious. She was never a good conversationalist to ever be up for a _chat_. _Words aren't my thing._And she is reminded that that was perhaps what got her into this predicament in the first place. _Maybe if I had said how much I like her, maybe then it wouldn't had been so awful. Right?_Mikasa finds that she had no acceptable answer to that. Her chest is still aching, and she knows that she was best to adapt to it, because it wasn't going to leave her side anytime soon. _This is how you'll learn your lessons. This is how you'll become an adult and stop being so foolish. You can't do 'adult' things and render yourself a child and cry when it doesn't go your way._

Mikasa things angrily at herself. Interestingly enough, she feels like she is playing the older sister role to herself. _Words of wisdom_. Words she probably could have save for Eren if he needed them. _But I need them._What Mikasa understands from her inner monologue, is that she has to do something. _Anything_. It doesn't matter if it is the wrong thing, cause right now she honestly has no clue on what that entitles, she just needs to get a reaction from Annie. Anything to let her know that she is still _here_.

_Searching for you._ But that something is out of her reach, she starts to feel uncomfortable, and it's starting to nerve her as she realizes that making her way back to the dorms is actually taking forever. _This can't be normal._She finally comes to that conclusion as she starts to see the effects it's having on her; she still can't decide if thinking about Annie is the cause of it. She picks up the pace and allows herself to ignore anyone around her_—_not wishing to be stop. She really can't put her finger on it, and now her temperature was rising from within. There are 2 trainees that notice that something is wrong, and Mikasa ignores their whispers on that matter. _It's none of their business! _Mikasa's pace quickens. She feels her body start pulsating. She really can't figure out why. She knows that she ate something earlier. _But that can't be it._

Still with no answers, not even close, her condition takes a turn for the worst. And the last thing she wants is to do is draw attention to herself that getting to a secluded area is a _most_. At this point running to make her way into a smaller empty path between two buildings nearby just getting out of view. Her footing quickly becoming rash as she comes to a sudden stop feeling dizzy all over. Panting at this point, trying her best to find a resolve for this. Still, it's not any better and she knows something is seriously wrong. Inside she feels a burning sensation, and it's making it way upwards to her entire body_—_gradually intensifying it around her neck.

And for a minute she wants to scream out his name, so he can come and _safe_ her. That maybe he'll know what to do. Suddenly Mikasa is enrage with such anger inside recollecting earlier events that made Annie snap. _She's now snapping._She starts to hate herself, this was the lowest of the low. _This is not the time to be thinking such stupid childish things! Am I being punish for being stupid? Is this my crime for falling in love?_

Mikasa starts panicking more than ever as her eyes fill up with tears and believes that she's going to die. Just flat out collapse on the floor leaving a lifeless body behind. Right now. Away from it all. Away from anyone that matters to her. Her heart starts beating furiously as she starts burning inside. Her throat starts aching, she's starts gasping for air, she feels completely out of control, and suddenly a cold sweat covers her, her chest pounding louder and louder. Pulsating in her ears. Her hands begin shaking as they struggle to remove her scarf completely. _How many layers? How many? Just how many?!_Her mind is panicking, she can barely focus on a simple task. Out of frustration she violently rips it apart yanking it off her neck letting out a cry.

She quickly collapses on the floor hitting it with her knees as she's struggling to gasp for air feeling an incredible cold sweat consume her. She was hunch over, her entire body was shaking, both hands on the ground gripping on to her scarf. Never in her life did Mikasa ever believed for one minute that her heart will harden at the sight of her scarf. For the first time ever, she seriously felt like she was choking with it. _What in God graces was I thinking wrapping it around that many times!?_She questions angrily as her neck throbs profusely.

Mikasa fails to realize that she has just experience a _severe_panic attack. And it's something she isn't going to soon forget. Her shaking body will be wise to remind her of that.

_You're ignorance led you to believe that you were about to die and you didn't wish to make him part of that experience—for him to not die with you. Had you wanted to you could had. So why did you removed the scarf Mikasa? Why did you?_

Mikasa turns her attention up to the sky inhaling as much air as possible sitting on her legs, failing to notice that she is very much doing what Annie has done before her. Only there is no ceiling. No cracks to remind you of _terrible present things_, no limitations but the deep blue sky. And for a moment there, Mikasa's sadness reaches its peak.

_Yes. Why did I?_She questions softly to herself.

Nothing in her life is making any sense. Eren is a subject she can always make sense of, and the fact that she has no acceptable answer for that is extremely troubling to the point that her entire focus is now shifted. Her mind is seriously somewhere it has never venture before, and as much as she doesn't wish it to linger there above all places, _it must_ in order to move on. _To find answers._

_If you can't even answer the basic things, what can you say about your life? How can you define that anymore?_Her void inside is just getting depressingly bigger.

_How can I expect to understand Annie, if I can't even understand myself? Yet I demand something that I don't even fully comprehend._

'You expect me to give myself fully to you but you won't to me?'_That is what she said. Crying nonetheless. But she said it. Annie was ready to give me her all. No—allowing me—to take it all. And I go and do something so stupid out of sheer vanity to be protected. I can't even give Annie anything since I don't understand it. I really am a coward._

Mikasa smiles softly still staring at the sky, allowing all of her mistakes overwhelm her. The error of her ways. Even if they make her heart ache, her throat swelling up in pain, she knows that _this is how you learn from your stupid mistakes. It's how you stop being a coward. You face them all and let them sink in._

Once again:_This is how you'll learn your lessons. This is how you'll become an adult and stop being so foolish. You can't do 'adult' things and render yourself a child and cry when it doesn't go your way. Because stupid girls get punish._


	8. Chapter 8

Still on-going with Mikasa's POV here and it's a bit of a clash with her inner thoughts as a result. Which was all very… complicated to do. Hope it doesn't confuse all of the readers. And it's going to feature that annoying little subject that is inevitable to avoid. Mikasa has never shown any interest on her scarf in the series. The **anime **never bothers to question it, and Mikasa has been already an establish character that she was growing up with it and it naturally just stuck. Why question what seem natural? There was no romantic notion for it. And if you were to think that the flashbacks of when she got it to be considered that, _you are greatly mistaken_. The scarf is a symbolism of coming together as a_family_, Eren was letting her know that she was now _his_family. And I will admit that it was a very sweet gesture to do considering the prior events that lead to it, and that they're in fact children, my train of thought doesn't go beyond that. But just for fun, you do realize that Eren and Mikasa just killed people together right? Apparently that went out the window the instant they came together to do this _cute_ scene between children involving a scarf. Cause who cares, they just killed people less than an hour ago, it was self-defense damnit, it's romantic! (LOLWUT) I don't care. Don't try to justify this bullshit with me, the fact of the matter remains, and it wasn't that they killed people, it's the fact that _no one gives a damn_._It's easy to no care when they deserve it, right?_So with that train of thought, I'm annulling and cutting the strings of that scarf because it makes no sense to me anymore. I'm only going by the Anime interpretation of it cause I could give two fucks about the Manga Ch 50. Spare me that bullshit.

Mikasa was staring at the sky and gradually sees it change its color to a darker shade. Signifying the night fall is upon her. She had been reluctant to move for the past 10 minutes. Her recent _experience_ was slowly easing off her body and her heart was no longer feeling like it was about to burst out of her chest. She knows that she is feeling more like her former self with each passing minute. Still upset about the whole ordeal, she must know that she can't stay here forever. _Stop this nonsense you stupid girl._ Making an attempt to try to feel better about her current situation, she realizes that she is not very good at it._ No good comes to those that sit here and cry._ She actually smiles at that one and finally starts standing up. Deciding that the latter inner message was a positive one. _Factual nonetheless._

Finally, on her feet Mikasa fails to notice the damage she has brought upon her scarf. She is aware of it, but it hasn't _hit her_ _yet._ It's not so much the scarf that actually affects her, it's the fact that it's now ruined, and she has no real explanation to why _if_anyone were to question it. To her knowledge, it's_ her scarf, not Erens_, and she can do what she wants with it. _Even ruining it. Yet..._She couldn't help but be reminded of the past memories it held with it. _Some bittersweet. Some colorful like a union as a family. Some... recently horrific._ Her expression harden as her mind ventures to a place it had been earlier. _How many times? Just how many?_Those words slowly echo in her mind replaying what she had just experienced remembering just how _desperately _she tried her best to remove it, but her _failure_ was the final result of a ripped cloth. _A failure. That's what this is._Her grip now becoming tighter she can't tell if this is a representation of her troubles that she could define them as _failures_, but if it were, she wasn't going to be dismissed it. She purses her lips together, glaring at the scarf staring at it as if she was to deliver answers anytime soon.

_Your ignorance led you to believe that you were about to die—my ignorance?_ She feels her chest pounding faster_—and you didn't wish to make him part of that experience—who would? It's a horrible experience!_ That last bit surprises her. She answers it like she actually knows what dying entitles. Realizing that she is wrong for making that accusation she takes it back, knowing that it was a foolish thing to think about_—had you wanted to you could have. So why did you remove the scarf Mikasa? Why did you? _Her head is spinning. Trying its best to find answers, but sees none befitting to redeem it. _Why did I? Did I suddenly have a change of heart?_ Just as quickly as those thoughts come she forces them to a stop. Her heart is still racing.

Silence.

Mikasa honestly never question what the scarf meant to her. If anything, it is a horrible reminder of _that day_, bonding of _family-ship must_have been the reason why she kept it this long. _But what a horrific day. The losing of my own and creating anew._ _But I'm older now. Why must I have this around my neck? Why carry this—dare I say it—weight around?_

_How many times? Just how many?_Again those words echo in her mind, forcing themselves in uninvited. They are now mocking her.

_—you stupid girl._

Mikasa glared at the scarf. She didn't hate it. Nor the person who gave it to her_—_to keep her warm from the cold_—because that's all it was_. A sweet gesture. The type that once it carried out its mission you'd be sure to return it back to its rightful owner and thanked them. Only Eren didn't care about it. He really didn't see anything _beyond_ that. _A boy his age couldn't have been thinking of double meanings or even bother enough to scheme up such things as making you believe that once you wrap that article of clothing accessory around your neck meant you were his. No boy at that age is that cunning._ _Especially not Eren._

With each passing word making her heart ache. Mikasa squints her eyes, feeling her vision get blurry and braces herself to stop them at all cost. The fact of the matter was still in front of her, _everything is one-side_. _You stupid girl—_

_Your ignorance led you to believe—_it's now echoing. And the weight of it is getting heavy. She had ridiculously deluded herself into believing something that was never there. _It was comforting._ _But greatly mistaken._ And perhaps that was the reason why, because she believes that the world is cruel she wanted to desperately grab on to something _comforting_. Eren didn't owe her anything and neither did she. He had rescued her from an ill fate. _And for that one should be forever grateful—not subconsciously in debt of ownership._

There it was. Mikasa's eyes widen, her chest was suddenly pounding inside, the wind was knocked off her and her efforts of stopping her tears _fail—another failure—_as she realizes her dire mistake that cost her _happiness_ with Annie earlier.

Her throat starts to ache once more, now familiar with the sensation that it'll bring, she _welcomes it_. She forms a smile across her face thinking of the _bittersweet_ of it all. Allowing her inner thoughts to hit her as deep as possible, allowing the weight of the World sink in. She honestly wanted to laugh about the _lovely_ irony of it all. But she mustn't. _For stupid girls are punish—and one cannot speak—thus disobeying a direct order. _

_Intimate order. Placed upon my lips nonetheless._Mikasa had to smile at that as she looked ahead lowering the scarf before her.

_Ownership and gratefulness are two different things. I really am a stupid girl. This is why I am punished—you're ignorance led you to believe—_echoing again between her thoughts_—How could I let myself believe that I was in such a relationship in such fashion?_

Mikasa was floored. She never saw it as that. _Until now. _Her expression was priceless. Mikasa held an impressive reputation for always having her composure together. She was never on the edge and never really off balance. She was a very _stoic_trainee who always did as they were told with excellent marks on each end. To think that if anyone saw her now like _this_ it would be unprecedented. She was a far cry from her well known reputation in this state. She was grateful of the excluded location, but she knew she couldn't waste more time on it.

For once in almost 2 hours, she was starting to feel better. She was standing perfectly straight, her eyes are still red, but they are no longer overflowing. She finally starts making her way back to the dorms no longer minding the distance like before, walking with the scarfs remains on her side having no real solution of what will become of _it_. It honestly wasn't on her mind to have mastered up a plan. It wasn't something she was going to leave behind, and it wasn't because of what it used to_mean_to her, it just wasn't in Mikasa's nature to leave any of her belongings behind. _In a time where anything can be destroyed, you value anything you own._

_Even a ripped scarf._

Finally, being back on the path of _people—civilization—_her peace of mind was greatly interrupted by the commentary of a fellow trainee that just passed her.

"There goes her security blanket" he snickered beneath his voice to his friend who grin in response, giving it a quick glance both _returning_ to minding their own business once more. She paused, feeling completely off guard. _My what—_her mind trailed off, she wasn't in the mood to go up against them and put up a fight, if anything Mikasa was fond of not going up against anyone_—_it wasn't fear_—_she honestly found it _stupid_to sink down to their level to actually do anything about it. Mikasa was so confident in her skill that she never for once question her own insecurities. It never occur to her that _this_ was her _reputation_, not like they knew it once belong to Eren, but they knew it was something she always had since she first joined the Squad, and very well grew up with it. _But secur—_she stops in her tracks as she turns to face the path once more walking again ignoring them but _not_ their comment.

She couldn't even _think_it without turning red. It was that embarrassing. _Security blanket._ She flustered right up. She was right, it was embarrassing enough to just think it. But _speak?_No. She wouldn't dare speak. Annie's words echo in her once more.

_Eren. My step brother. No heirloom is going to change that. When did I ever needed a reminder of what I already had?_ The moment she realize this, the better she felt. _To grow is to change.__To cry is to feel, to ache is to grow.__When did I needed a stranger to remind me of that simple fact?_

She lets it roll of her shoulders, feeling more decisive as she finally walks through the door and sees her other fellow trainees already in their respective beds. No one pays her no heed not even pausing their own conversations with one another. Base on her demeanor that is written on her face, it was perhaps wise not to. Mikasa _seemed_ off, her eyes were lower and she was taking heavier steps than usual reaching her own bed. Not to mention she wasn't sporting her usual scarf. Brutal training, perhaps? _It wouldn't be the first time a trainee came in wobbling in agony after a long day, Sasha made sure of that._

Mikasa was grateful, if anything, she liked being ignored in most situations, this was one of them. She sits in her bed and her attention is quickly focused on the blond 3 beds over. _Annie_. Her heart starts aching at the sight of her. She was peacefully _resting_ in her bed, still dressed with just her shoes undone, having her bedcovers partially on her. _Sloppy._ Mikasa starts to undo her own shoes at a much slower fashion than usual glancing up at her ever so often, trying her best to _not be obvious_ about it with her own eyes_. She isn't going to escape stupid girl._Mikasa made a face to that comment. Not pleased with the _tone_ of it, but it was _factual_ nonetheless, and she allowed it to sink in.

_Her shoes came undone. Her clothes are intact. Did she just stumble and crashed?_She pursed her lips, trying to analysis what was displayed before her. _Perhaps. She must have been tired…_

_So closed. Yet so far._Her heart is aching some and she's finding it incredibly hard to not replay earlier events that were _intimate_between the two. Her eyes glance across the room and sees that the others seem unfazed about her concerns, that no one notices anything at all. _Or they don't care to—of course not, why would they? They weren't with you in that room. They don't know anything._Mikasa removes her jacket and places it on the side next to her scarf feeling a tad relieve, and finally lays down, pulling her covers over her body excluding her face from blocking her view. _Because this view is of great importance. This view must be studied. This—what is wrong with me?_

_—Stupid girl. Stupid lustful girl._She lets out a sigh, feeling disappointed in herself for _thinking_ such things.

She blinked once. Twice. Annie was still sleeping. Mikasa feels her cheek flush up a bit, and receives some comfort in seeing her, seeing that she is okay. _Alive and kicking._Even if she couldn't touch her, it was _something_. _And something is always better than nothing._

Mikasa couldn't tell if the relief of seeing Annie nearby was the reason to be at ease that relax her muscles to allow herself to sink into her own bed, but she was drastically feeling tired with each passing second. Completely disregarding that her earlier activities require a lot of energy to do. That she was basically drained at this point that she could no longer see Annie but a blurry shape as she's swept under a deep slumber.


	9. Chapter 9

I will admit the fact that while I was enjoying how Mikasa came to that realization on her own in P8, (my baby is growing up) rereading it as a whole left me a bit confused. Because when you're stuck writing an entire part where a character can't speak and just goes on with their inner monologue _with_ a condescending one too, shit is not always going to make sense. And if it did to you guys, bless you. I love you all. P6 and P7 still holds a special place in my heart, and maybe that's why rereading P8 felt weird, it wasn't that... _horrible_ of an angst but on a more positive note. Which isn't a bad thing, but when you stop a lot as you write because it makes you teary eyed, it's hard to _not bond_ with that. Can't say anything about the future chapters because I'll know what happens _as I type them_. Never before. So it's a surprise for me and you. Hopefully my writing won't bore you to death as you come to the ultimate conclusion that _not much happens_ in all of those pages. And I quote_ "It's like 'Let's put Mikasa inside a room and that's it. That's the whole chapter! MAKE THAT INTERESTING!"_ And I like to believe that I have been able to keep it interesting. (_Fuckingindenial) _Be reminded that this is a _deconstruction _of the two. So most of my writing, which I'm sure you notice, is _internal_. It's what's happening around them in their thoughts and how it affects them and their judgment. And I feel that if they can come to some sort of resolution you can _move forward_ in the most literal sense. It feels like I had Mikasa in P7 stuck in the same spot from beginning to end. Like JFC, in terms of _what happen_, nothing really happens. She was having an internal struggle that needed to be solved, otherwise she would be stuck there forever and could not advance forward. Please notice that I am not _dragging_ it on purpose, it really blows my mind how many pages can just go into that before _anything actually happens. _And it actually pisses me off a bit because I think about you guys a lot. Trust me, there is shit that I really want to cover, and I'm all like 'OMFG, WHEN CAN I GET THERE AT THIS RATE' ugh. I swear if you guys are still reading this I promise that when I do get _there _I will make it super awesome that you'll find all of these totally worth it. (Stillfuckingindenial)

* * *

It was morning, and the usual events of struggling out of bed from her peers were among her. Sounds of groaning and yawning in the progress easing Mikasa out of her deep slumber making her squint her eyes blinking a few times slowly waking up. She's surprised at how well rested she feels.

_Not even babies sleep this good_. Was all she could think of right now as she sees Sasha bolted out of the room ready for _breakfast_. _As expected_. Without getting out of bed she quickly glances at Annie's bed.

Empty. An empty made bed.

She blinks at this not being aware of what that entitles. She blinks a few more times. _Still empty._ Mikasa jolts up from her bed sitting up firmly letting the situation sink in. _Annie is gone. She must have woken up earlier? Earlier than Sasha? _Her eyes widen in disbelief.

Christa lets out a yawn as she stretches walking pass Mikasa's bed. "Annie must have woken up earlier. I heard that she crashed yesterday pretty early so it's only natural." She commented in her cheerful nature as she makes her way outside to see Ymir in the distance waving at her. Mikasa wasn't sure what was happening, but she was grateful for that bit of information. _Any and all information about Annie is important. With everyone set out to start their day, Mikasa glances at her night stand and sees the red scarf._

The once _proud scarf_ of wrongful _representation _as she sits straight up knowing that it's her turn to get ready for another day. She knows that she needs to have some sort of resolution for it. Whatever it is, she can't seem to make up her mind about it. _It's not like I will sew it back together. _Her intention wasn't to fix it, nor wear it again. _Not after that experience. _Feeling confused she picks it up slowly bringing it up to her face once more giving it another close study. _It has served its purpose. Didn't it? It did keep me warm during the winter. Wasn't that it?_

Her mind gradually starts to fully wake up as memories start rushing through her head. She honestly never bothers to question these things. On the subject of its purpose_—to_ _scheme up such things as making you believe that once you wrap that article of clothing accessory around your neck meant you were his? _Mikasa still has no answer and remains quiet as her expression hardens.

—_and what was your purpose for doing that to Annie?_ On reflex she quickly stares at Annie's empty bed once more. Her thoughts hit a sudden wall, knowing full and well that the question demanded her full attention forcing her eyes to fully open. _What a brutal way of waking up._ She didn't expect her mind to betray her like that to ask such a thing. _Not this early. Never this early. _Her thoughts in agony.

—_you never fucked up this bad before. _She has no acceptable answer to that very pivotal question that was now defining her life. _So early in the bloody morning to answer— correction— won't answer._ Mikasa becomes adamant about that. _Because admitting it will be too pitiful._ She sighs quickly making that input to herself running her hand through her hair pushing it back. Another vanity reflex_—_that was a failure from the start_—_considering that it'll always come to its original state. _What was the purpose of doing that to Annie?_ Her voice mocking her once more wasn't letting her be that asking was mandatory. Never mind finding a solution for her scarf her mind was demanding answers. She pauses again lowering her eyes starting to feel on edge. She purses her lips slightly trying to find a suitable _reply; not an answer._

_It's not like she was against it—I—_Mikasa trails off and tries to really justified it knowing she was guilty on all charges.

Her heart picks up its pace, the feeling becoming so overwhelming that it comes crashing down inside Mikasa like a ton of heavy bricks feeling trapped. She is thinking of the answer, but it's something she won't say. _Won't admit._ Right on the tip of her tongue, all the answers to everything, and she won't _say it._ How maddening this must be. _Can't say it!—At least admit it!_ Her mind arguing with her once more shouting back.

—_stubborn stupid girl._

Mikasa is aware that just by _thinking _it, she was _going to give it power. And this is something I don't want to admit. _Her stomach feels like it's in knots. _How vain are you? Say it you stupid girl._

_I wanted her to notice me! _Mikasa screams it in her head feeling defeated hoping to shut it up once and for all. Scolding her own self for being that _pitiful_. _That vain._

The realization hit her hard and she starts to breathe a bit faster. Her head spinning by the Intel she has offered. She knew all along but never worded it in her mind making it official. Unlike Eren, Mikasa had_ schemed up_ a plan to not have Annie forget her. _And what was that thing that you did, oh yes, you kissed her you made it clear that you wanted to be her first kiss. You made sure of that. But how could you had known it was her first?_ She pauses thinking about it for a second _failing_ to realize this. _Annie didn't fight that motion after I said it so it must have been._ She answers promptly to her thought finding it acceptable. _Wishing to be acceptable because failure is not an option. No more failures!_ _Not this morning. Not this day. _Mikasa knows she is full of it. _So early in the morning. On this day._

_Denial. At its finest._

_Your ignorance led you to believe—_Her thought begins once more picking up from before on cue, _that you are not the talented prodigy in the league among your peers knowing full and well that your skill excels above all others, that you already possess the attention of everyone around you including your trainers._ _Your ignorance led you to believe—_the last bit now scolding her harshly_—that you were not noticed at all?! —you stupid g—NO!_ Mikasa fights back those words shouting at her inner voice. She knows it's pitiful, she knows she is wrong, she knows it was a vanity moment wrapped around in pride. She knows all of her _many failures_, but she isn't stupid. She may have done stupid things out of inexperience, but stupidity wasn't her one of her traits.

_It's not the type of attention I wanted._ Mikasa proclaims feeling almost defeated and frankly frustrated. She bites her lower lip feeling _shame_ overwhelm her as she raises her knees up to her having her feet on her bed wrapping her arms around them. _Counterproductive from getting ready for the day._ She was captivated with Annie ever since she met her. There were many times that she came on par with her on skill. More than all the others and it was easy to see her fixation growing afterwards their first spar. Never in her imagination would she consider them to be of a romantic notion. That actually surpasses her beyond words.

She hasn't even gotten out of bed and she was already making herself miserable. _This is going to be a long day..._


	10. Chapter 10

I really had an incredibly hard time getting back to FORCED, because I had just finished COLLARBONE P6, and clearly it's a complete 180. The transition from that fiction to this one was probably the reason why it took as long as it did to get this out. I really hate jumping between the two because it's insane_—really fucking emotionally insane—_but I did it anyway so you guys can be aware that _I haven't forgotten about it_. (Trust me. It's on my mind every day. I assure you, I _can't_ forget!) It's also part of the reason why I was 'neglecting' COLLARBONE for such a long time and I kept posting FORCED. In order to get this chapter done I had to lock myself up in my room a few times and contemplate this to pieces—_because I did put them in incredibly hard positions—_I even questioned the merits of self-worth and entitlements of _shame_ brought by guilt, just to see _beyond_ that in hopes of doing justice to Annie's psychological conflict in this chapter. Which I find to be incredibly real and honest. Not to mention I'm also _poking_ Mikasa's feelings and mental process in the BG that basically gave me an immense _questioning_ moment that at this point has undertones of 'Social Psychology' to even 'Attribution'; which I'm starting to see is at the core of this Fiction. Because this is still an _internal deconstruction _of the two, and above all feeds off its hosts which are Mikasa and Annie. To put it in simple terms 'anything they do and feel, whatever the result is, that _result_ makes another chapter', that's what keeps me going—_that and I'm fucking curious myself—_I really try to put myself in their shoes that I tend to go to such lengths in hopes of getting a better understanding to do a decent writing. I even went into an elaborate conversation my other psychological majors about what things mean in certain situations and what they _could _be interpreted under the wrong mindset, and the horrific results that came with it. Let's just say it blew my mind, at how clever this can be if done right. Which makes me really excited about FORCED's future. I'm really hoping you guys get to see it later on. The real trick here is to put it into words for everyone to understand. And not just understand it, but relate to it and make it have meaning and focus on what I'm really trying to say. And this is basically where my frustration is at its core as the author of it. Someone once asked me 'what am I trying to say, what do you want out of it' and I wasn't sure how to answer that. _It wasn't a stupid question. _What I can honestly say is that I'm trying to do something different that I don't think many writers are focusing on. And that's the building blocks of any relationship, how we get there. Answering the _whys_. Out of the few fictions that I have read on Tumblr, none focused whatsoever on their relationship, it's was just fan-service. And I have questions that aren't going to be answered by reading some of them, which is one of the reasons why I rarely venture outside my blog. And I think that's ultimately the reason why I'm writing this fan-fiction still. Because I still have questions. Once again my writing style shifted because of COLLARBONE, apparently it changes with each passing chapter of madness regardless of what fiction I'm working on, and none are ever the same. Hopefully it's for the best and it's more enjoyable. As usual, I feed off your comments.

* * *

Annie eyes bolt open gasping for air waking up rather violently than her usual calm demeanor. _Bad dream?_ She's uncertain about it, but she won't allow herself to recollect any of it_—if any_—_because waking up only to try to recollect fragments out of your imagination; is truly the worst thing you could do so early in the morning since it's just a perfectly good waste of a time._ Annie has to seriously reconsider these words since they were parallel to her father's. To her knowledge, her father didn't have time for _petty_ things, and laying about thinking about your dreams is definitely one of them. She remains frozen in place staring at the ceiling knowing full and well that her body isn't at the same speed as her brain is. It hasn't recovered from her deep slumber. Annie makes mild attempts to adjust her eyes to the darkness around her, knowing she has woken up earlier than anticipated, and wasn't going to make much of an effort to seek any sunlight coming in anytime soon.

_Sleeping isn't an option._ Annie knows that once she opens her eyes it'll cease to be. And the last thing she really wants is to _waste_ time on twisting about inside her covers _trying_ to fall back to sleep knowing that it was futile. _Trying your best to deceive oneself that you're tired is as wasteful as thinking about dreams. Two crimes in one hit must never happen at once. Especially when you know better, Annie. _She needed to remind herself of that.

_I could just lay here, until then... _Her mind trails off as the soft snores in the distance loom around the room, filling her ears as if it was a soft melody to _sleep_ _again_. Only she doesn't mean to. Her eyes bolt open as she hears a loud snore capture her attention glancing to her side remaining in place still.

_—or maybe not_. She quickly makes that input sighing inside as she sees that it was Sasha who made that _disturbance_ and a part of her envy her because she appears to be in complete utter bliss under her covers, _perhaps the only trainee that actually enjoys sleeping_. Annie never seriously wonders about that, she knew that people needed rest and that was it. Her mind didn't go beyond that. Whether people suffer or _enjoy _was foreign to her. Sasha's presence serves as a reminder that some _things never change. _Her whereabouts made _yesterday_ non-present for a moment. _But that's child's play. _She makes a face to that and sits up finally, drowning all of the snores out of focus doing her usual routine of rubbing her eyes wide awake knowing that going back to sleep is _futile. My mind won't let me_. _And I won't lie here listening to… this._

Annie had gone to bed with her clothes on, it had its perks, she didn't need to waste time getting dressed up. She didn't require _vision_ for this procedure that she has performed hundreds of times. She knew exactly how they felt at this point, where the strings were, where the buckles are placed. Everything. She fastens them on being discreet as possible and allows herself to fully emerge from her bed blinking a few times noticing that her eyesight was getting better. Just as quickly, acting on reflect, she obeys her sudden urge that has built up inside her and focuses her entire attention to Mikasa's bed. Her heart starts aching as everything comes rushing back to her about the ordeal she had put her through yesterday. She walks slowly over to her and Annie isn't sure what to make of the cold beauty resting peacefully before her. Much like her, she sees that Mikasa did a poor job removing any of her clothes.

But Annie isn't going to disrupt her sleep, she isn't going to make a scene, and she utterly refuses to let her win.

That much she is certain. Mikasa's ripped scarf catches her attention the most. _A_ message? Her expression peculiar all of a sudden focusing closely on it._ I doubt he died. Is she trying to say something?_ She quickly dismisses those thoughts knowing they can lead anywhere aimlessly with no further Intel. The scarf ultimately isn't really any of her concern, it was what it was, and now that was _ruined, _any meaning behind that could only be her best guess. She was bothered by the way Mikasa had gripped on to it earlier, and she assumed that she was doing it because she felt _weak_, that she lashed out on her for it. _Who would save you now?_ Annie wondered with her tone condescending, but masked with curiosity in her mind. She _is_ curious about that. Not that Mikasa needed any rescuing. She knew that if Mikasa had shoved her off, Annie wouldn't had been able to straddle her long enough to lash out the way she did. For that she was also grateful. It delivered a good night's rest. _I should thank you for that. _ She purses her lips a bit dismissing her latter assumption of his untimely _death_ to be the reason why it's in shreds; for Mikasa looked very peaceful in her rest for anything vile to have happen to him. He was her family, and Mikasa wouldn't be able to sleep if it that was the case. _But it isn't. He is very much alive, very much in your life._

She trails off feeling _discomfort _by just thinking of that _actual fact_ and surrenders her stare to Mikasa, looking peacefully at her in utter silence allowing her chest to hum softly to the sounds of _sleep_ around her. _No one knows. No one knows what we did. Not a single soul in this room. All resting peacefully minding their business, sleeping away, wasting time chasing their dreams._

Annie scoffs at her inner monologue, _that's more sinful than what I was going to do_, she makes that input as her eyes trace Mikasa's delicate features.

—_was going to. _It starts echoing in her mind, knowing full and well that Mikasa prevented that from happening.

_If only she'd let me._

_If only._

A part of her starts to feel this rush because of the _secrecy_ of it all, that they were in fact inches away from actually sleeping with one another, that's not even themselves could have guessed it. It was a little bit overwhelming for her. _If only_—She swallows hard as she pushes her bangs back looking frustrated _and_ confuse once more feeling herself get flustered.

Annie peers into her _secret_, which took a manifestation in the form of Mikasa, passing her memories and secret life for everyone to see. Even her own secret didn't know about her_ other_ secret.

Tsk.

She bites her lower lips knowing that she's been troubled more than expected.

Staring at her, that's what this is. _Staring at my secrets, watching sleep away. If only it was that simple. If only they were this quiet._

Mikasa's soft snore was the loudest secret she ever shared with her in this very room. Among all of these sleeping bodies full of life, not being aware of anything at all, not having recent collective memories of anything that happen before, _if only if they knew_—_would I be judged? _Her heart race quicken. Shame was something she never considered as a possibility of her recent actions. She had other things in mind that she couldn't back down on it anymore as much as she wanted.

Little by little, it was creeping up behind her back, up to her neck, sending shivers all over, and the reality of it all making her heart race at full speed. What this was really becoming as her feelings start intensifying as images of her advances start flashing across her mind feeling a mild daze. _It was shame. And desire_. The joy she felt to be near her once more. And she couldn't allow herself to _enjoy_ it.

_Am I not allow to? _She questions softly feeling sorrow fill her insides little by little knowing the answer to it already. She swallows hard.

_What should've been my greatest joy, has become my greatest shame._

—_Shame_. There it was. Annie wasn't shameful for what could had happen between them, she was shameful because she believed she could allowed herself to _feel joy_. She felt shame to think that she could be an _exception_ to her crimes and be _happy_ about it. _It's shameful to think about when you don't deserve it._

This is what it was at her core. Her reality echoing in her head. Her vision becomes blurry knowing that she is staring at someone who gave her _hope_. _Misguided feelings._ Someone that has shown her genuine affection of _kindness_. _Her ignorance, of not knowing the real me. _She knows that's what it was. For Mikasa would never accept someone like her. _Wasn't she just looking for some meaningless tryst? _Annie wasn't certain, she had assumed she was the second time she grabbed her. But it was now so painful to think about. She bites down hard on any tears making their way out, feeling her legs fidget, her throat aching as she balls her fist trying to regain her former composure. _The last thing you need is to be make a scene, wake someone up, and have them question you why you're here, standing next to Mikasa's bed, crying above all else so early in the morning, and you'd have to lie your way out of it to regain some of your dignity back._

_What a wretched hassle_. And it is. She quickly cleans out her eyes and sees that her thoughts are _searching_ for something still. Unable to pinpoint her finger on it, one comes crashing at full speed. _'Annie'. _Her eyes bolt open and takes a step back feeling her entire body shiver_. Someone's calling me? _She glances to her side hoping that she wasn't expose to this.

_Annie._

There it was again. It sounded so clear in her mind that she could swear that Mikasa is calling out to her. She stares back at her once more and sees that it can't be. Mikasa was still peacefully resting before her.

_Annie. _She lets out a small gasp as she the realization of it all comes crashing down to her. It was the sound of Mikasa whimpering out her name that was ringing in her ears. No one was calling her. A reaction that slipped out of her mouth earlier. _Why this thought? Why now?_ She parts her lips and lets her hand free fall to her side feeling her heart speed up at an alarming speed. _Goddamnit._

She wasn't expecting to be reminded of something like that so early in the morning. She feels herself coming unresolved, her mind being ravel by impure thoughts, suddenly the noises around her became louder, closed eyes becoming open, feeling as if everyone is staring at her secret, at her _desires_, letting her know that _they _know everything. Her private secrets and thoughts exposed out in the open for all of these sleeping bodies to observe.

She parts her lips as she exhales feeling cage much like before, seeing images swirl around her head, and a step back. Then another slowly as she starts to ball her fist trying her best to gather herself.

—_Annie._

Completely shaken by that thought piercing her mind, she quickly bolts out of the room. She knew that she had shown Mikasa affection, long enough to have her whimper out her name.

For that, she felt _shame_.

* * *

**Final Note:** I'm going to add this for now on in all of my future fictions, because I want to make a few inputs about what you just read for better clarification. Especially with the way I ended this chapter. I normally would make a post about it later on, but if you're not following me, you'd never know. So to make it less troublesome, I'm going to do it here. I like to think I do a pretty decent job at not spoiling anything specific in my 'intros' or 'Word of Gay', which I always type up at the end of each chapter. What I want to discuss is actually that final sentence. The way Annie feels about _shame_ isn't exactly what many are thinking it means in this context. Nor the way that I'm using it. It's the most peculiar thing that I really find fascinating when I actually wrote it. Basically, she likes the fact that she got a response by her, in such _intimate _fashion; that it brings her _joy_. And because it brings her joy, she feels shame about it. Yeah, wrap your head around that for a minute. I did explained it earlier as you read along that it makes a little sense now. As much as I would love to discuss this from my point of view, I'm going to spare you the immense wall of text of _why I did things in such fashion._ I just hope it makes sense to you all. Because it does to me. Greatly for some reason. Thanks for reading.


	11. Chapter 11

You ever fucked up really bad? There are times where we do the most damage to those we love the most. Not intentionally, sometimes things are out of our control. And we're always reminded of our faults and imperfections in the process of self-recovery. Our guilt becomes this burden that nothing will ease the pain besides the forgiveness of the person you devastated. You become so deluded that this is the only way to achieve happiness, if you so deserve it. The bigger the sin, the more guilt you feel inside that it affects you the greatest. It consumes your thoughts, your entire existence. Nothing around you matters besides the person you want to make it _right_ to. And you would do _anything_ for their forgiveness. Because you were _misunderstood_, and nothing is scarier than being misrepresented by the one person you hold dear. This was supposed to be P10, but I wanted to share Annie's perspective at first in a mere summary, that when I went back to fix it, it basically consumed the entire chapter. I will admit that it wasn't what I was expecting nor what I had in mind originally, but I'm very glad that I did write her version first; because I was introduced to something staggering. Something fucking amazing (at least to me) the thought of Annie feeling _shame_ in that aspect was mesmerizing to write about. I couldn't believe how I came up with that conclusion. We're now back to Mikasa's POV, and we're more or less picking off from P9. Brace yourselves. _It's fun to read._

* * *

Mikasa frankly had enough of passing her thoughts back and forth, creating conflict among themselves. Toppling over one another. Her heart and mind were doing a _dance_, she knows that if she'd only permit it any longer; she'd be forever bed ridden. Her remorse proves to be impossible to lift until a staggering 10 minutes pass by. Most of her free will was used to get ready. _Didn't want to. Needed to. _She makes the common procedure of getting ready, and quickly stops as she realizes the _lack_ of a fabric around her neck. She touched her skin softly and felt the warmth of it_—_being reminded that she also has a neck_—_reminding herself that she was still alive and breathing. She minimizes the horrific flashback she experienced yesterday that has rendered it to a pathetic state of shreds on her night stand. Only thinking about it will make her falter. Her eyes glanced at it once more, her neck felt _nude _for the masses to see.

_Being this exposed won't be easy._ She knows it's been a while without it. Everything was slowly becoming _familiar_ once more. A slight breeze made its way inside sending chills down her back. She welcomes it. It was a nice reminder that she's still alive. She picks up the pace, knowing that she didn't wish to make any petty excuses for her _lack_ of behavior to her peers by taking up much longer. Something catches her eyes, _a mirror_. She delivers a small glare. The endeavors of one's own private _hell ride_ of self-worth was enough to make Mikasa go insane so early in the morning that she makes it her top priority to dash quickly by it. _For stopping is a sin of momentous proportions. _She tells herself. Her inner thought said nothing. She supposed that was a sign of progress. She didn't like who she had become. And she didn't need a mirror to judge her base on it either. She saved herself that _hell ride_ for now. _For now_. And on cue her thinking process becomes dissolved as she hears it answer back.

It wasn't helping her condition, she was feeling nervous, more edgy than usual_—you have no one else to blame but yourself—_she must put up a strong front in efforts of not collapsing on her own remorse, but it all came crashing down in vain the moment she saw herself across _another _mirror.

Silence.

_Break it. Rise to the challenge. _Her inner thoughts whispered softly, taunting her in every way possible. She quickly shakes her head as her heart races rapidly inside her. _These are the trials and tribulation that you must endure for what you have done_.Mikasa swallows hard, balling her fist, knowing what will await if she sees herself in that mirror. Her legs fidgeted and she's moments away from actually screaming. _Get it together Ackerman. You can't be defeated by a mirror, that's laughable. You're one of the best trainees here, right? _She honestly wasn't sure how to answer that, for right now she wasn't having the most confidence about anything. _JUST GO—_her mind screamed at her that resulted in bolting out of there quickly. Mikasa was proud of herself for a moment that it took an immense amount of energy to prevent herself from actually punching the glass before her. She wasn't sure if anyone knew anything about the prior events; she isn't the type to announce her business out in the open. If there is anything she knew about Annie, it was that she isn't one to _gossip_ about anything either, let alone speak about it.

Mikasa stops firmly before opening the mess hall doors, inhaling deeply, _waiting_ for what may come behind them_—just go in—_she hesitated. _Fear?_ That one seemed appropriate. It wasn't a lie. Mikasa was feeling fear tickling in her gut, creating tight knots. _Fear that she may be inside? Isn't that what you want you stupid g—_Mikasa quickly stops the thought from finishing and swings the doors open allowing herself in. It was everything she expected it to be. _Normal._

_But that really determines on what 'normal' is now does it?_

She exhaled as she walked in. _Everything was normal. Everyone was enjoying their time with their friends, Connie was busy laughing with Sasha, Reiner and Bert—_her attention trailed off as she noticed that something was amiss. Everything around her began to feel _colder_, quieter as she drowns the world out in disbelief that Annie isn't present in her usual spot.

She's barely aware of her legs moving based on the scenery changing, too numbed up to notice walking like a robot towards Eren and Armin, _my usual spot;_ and sitting down next to them. Everything around her was appearing to be in slow motion. As if space around her was giving her time to _gather _her thoughts long enough to make sense of this. _How kind_. She glanced once more at Annie's spot_—empty spot—_trying to make sense of this. Her heart started aching, her throat started closing. She was honesty hurt by her absence. Hurt by_—_

"Mikasa! You didn't grab a plate." Eren's word snap her back into reality causing her to face him, a bit startle. She parted her lips_—you mustn't speak— _but nothing came out as she quickly closed her mouth. Eren took another spoonful and spoke again, "Aren't you hungry?" He asked with his mouth full.

_Oh, Eren. Even now, you have such horrible manners at the table. Even now after everything that has happened. _

She shook her head softly showing no interest in continuing this conversation, _if you can even call it that,_ and clasped her hands together under the table. She wasn't lying. She was feeling her stomach tying itself in knots and she was on edge. Coming out this far, and not seeing Annie was a horrible blow to her. She really wanted to see her and apologize. _If she lets me. Please let me. _She thought softly being hopeful about future events.

—_if you let me speak. Please let me._

_That's the real trick here isn't? _Her inner voice was mocking her. She couldn't deny that fact. Eren and Armin both acknowledge that something was _off_ about her. They even noticed her scarf was amiss and said nothing at all. No one seemed to bothered with that, like it wasn't really out of character.

None questioned the reasons behind it, and base on Mikasa's solemn expression neither was daring to ask her. They both shrugged it off as if it was the occasional girl fashion sense that is forever changing that _never_ requires any explanation. She _DID_ cut her hair after all and paid it no heed, seeing her change her fashion wasn't something to query about. This however starts to set her back. Out of all the people, she'd been expecting Eren to at least say something about it. Yet, she was grateful he didn't. She wouldn't be able to answer any of it. She was feeling conflicted about the whole ordeal, and she can't pin point if it's the lack of Annie's presence, or the lack of Eren's concern and of not voicing his reaction upon it. _I mean it is your scarf. The one article that I held around my neck for God knows how long, and you won't even question its whereabouts now?_

She tilted her head to the side and finally propped her elbows on the table_—bad manners be damned—_Mikasa was pissed for a different reason as she let her head rest on one of her hands, staring around at her surroundings. Feeling genuinely upset about the whole thing that she, alone, had put herself in. "Mikasa, are you alright?" Armin asked looking directly at her, causing her glance up at him. She wasn't paying attention to anything _important_. _The only thing that is, isn't present. But no Armin. I'm not alright. Nothing about this is okay_. _I am not okay_. Mikasa quickly dismissed her thoughts, for she is not one to lie to Armin, she never had a reason to_—this was a good reason—_and sees that being around her _talkative_ friends is only going to be trouble. _Only one thing to do…_ She quickly forced a smile and nodded at him, abolishing any further questions, and stands up from the table, which alerted them of her leave. She snatched Eren's loaf of bread quickly from his plate_—_much to his displeasure_—_and made her way outside, away from everyone.

Mikasa was grateful for having a free day from training. But a part of her hoped that she was training to keep her mind occupied. A part of her was grateful for that, because without a doubt she would have had to face her, and as much as she wanted to see her, she also didn't. There was some truth in Annie's words, and it was only bothering her so deeply inside because of that.

_'Coward_" she said. She could only make a face to that as she finished the bread, walking the streets in silence, having the sun shine all around her. She saw some of her peers nearby and can barely address those close to her. She wasn't going to make _friends_ with others that barely know her. A trainee purposely avoided her as she came walking down the steps. _Wha—?_ She looked behind her and saw that it was someone she had sparred with, and remembers that it was a _fast_ spar that resulted in calling in a medic. Mikasa had been harsh that day, and she couldn't remember the reason behind it. She only remembered apologizing and the effects it created afterwards among her peers. She became an ill favored cadet to spar with.

That soon spread out and Mikasa was seeing first-hand how everyone was reacting to her appearance. She was being avoided.

_Could—_Mikasa began as she adjusted her eyesight giving her surroundings one more final glance to confirm her predicament. _Could she be avoiding me?_ Her mind was entering a dark place, and she did not like where it was going. Those words were slowly sinking under her skin and the possibility of being _right_ made her heart ache. She swallows the hard lump forming in her throat, feeling a cold sweat consume her. _It's a possibility._

_NO. _Mikasa's speed picks up as she walked further down the stairs, convincing herself that she did a poor job at judging the place around her. She was not ready to fail. _Not today. Not again._ _For today will not be repeated as if it were yesterday. Once is enough._ She contemplated to herself feeling winded, _Annie isn't avoiding me, she is just busy_, _away_,_ taking care of other things_. _Yes, other important things. _Mikasa's heart and mind continued, in complete and utter denial, as she was growing increasingly alarmed by the minute; she wasn't seeing the one person that she wanted. _That she needed_.

That small thing inside of her that always pushed her_—determination—_refused to let her rest, even for a moment_—failing to find her is forbidden—_her voice scolding her at the core. She walked further down the street, turned around, gave up. She made it pass another corner, made it halfway, found herself at a dead end. Gave up. She made it pass an empty corridor moved a couple of inches to the left. Gave up. She dodge swiftly between a crowd, made it halfway, found herself on her face. Gave up. She surrender herself to the will of the floor to sweep under her feet. It mocked her, unmoving. Gave up.

Mikasa was at a loss as each passing minute was making her condition worst, and the last thing she needed right now was another panic attack as her body reminded her of what's to come if this kept up. She knows that she must be calm and collective and try her best to think of all the locations Annie could be. It quickly dawns on her on how little she knows about the blonde. _Nothing at all. If I had known, I could see her. _She started to feel her throat aching again, feeling like a dispirited child in the center of everything, looking for their _lost puppy._ Mikasa wanted to cry. _If I had—_she glanced around and saw that she was starting to bring attention to herself.

—_if I had only known, this wouldn't hurt as much._

Mikasa couldn't even _ask _for help. To ask for any directions, create any leads. She had to be patient and wait for Annie to_ come to her_. To seek her out in her own terms.

Then something went off in her head, something brilliant, something magical, something she wasn't expecting at all. _To be right._

Annie was purposefully avoiding Mikasa. And the faster Mikasa realized it, the more she wanted to cry about it. She really couldn't comprehend the gravity of how right her instinct was nor the effects it was having on her body. Mikasa's insides were filling up with this immense void that she desperately wanted to see filled, before her fears that it made it consumed her from inside. Condemning her to a despair she could not yet imagine. She had to_—_No, needed to apologize. _With what voice? And say what? Stupid girl—NO._ Mikasa had no time for that voice. Not right now. She knew that if she let it start, she'd falter. She'd surrender and would cease to be driven with the purpose that was now guiding her. She could simply not afford that judgmental voice of _reason._ She couldn't face her many faults and imperfections, and above all, her failures. Every one of them. Mikasa was sorry, and she wanted Annie to know about it. To know of her intentions, her feelings and struggles. And the height of irony of it all was that Mikasa _couldn't_.

_Now you wish to speak. Now you wish to say things out in the open. Now. Now. Now. After all that is done. Why now? Why did it take you this long? But most of all, what makes you think she cares?_

Mikasa came to a full stop. Her eyes widened. There it was. Her heartache; she rapidly felt herself immersed into this great depression roiling up inside like great black waves, allowing it to consume herself fully. The void had finally grown complete inside her. Mikasa felt shattered. _Loneliness. _The sensation became overwhelming, so quickly that it takes her completely off guard. She started breathing out of her nose quickly, familiarizing herself with the urgency to cry. The need to.

_Don't. Hold it in. It'll be okay. _Mikasa sadly consolidated herself. _It'll be okay._

And just as quickly as her mind turned for the worst, she noticed _her_ off in the distance. A blonde blotch. It was now becoming a blur, and Mikasa couldn't, for the life of her, focus on it. She couldn't blink, in dire fear of losing that blotch. She very much wanted to keep staring. _Annie._ Her pace quickened, her eyes bolted onto her target. She took a quick step forward and paused something was holding her back. Little by little Annie was walking further away. Away from her. The blotch was getting smaller. Mikasa's heart was aching with each passing second.

_Please._

Every muscle in Mikasa's body began to tug at her, to force her to move, to scream, _go, go, run, run, RUN TO HER. RUN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING DAMN YOU._ Every muscle, every fiber of her being. Heart, mind, body, and soul connected as one. Every cell in her being ignited by the impending loss of _her_ from sight, all screaming the same thing, except one.

That one little voice.

_You have no right._

Mikasa dropped her gaze, biting her lower lip hard as tears fell in silence down her face. _Please._ Mikasa was still begging her will inside. She was in agony. She quickly looked up only to confirm what she already knows. It was a painful reminder. Annie was gone.

_PLEASE._

Her throat was aching, her fists were clenched, and her legs were beginning to wobble. Dumbfounded by everything that had transpired inside her and her lack of movement. An area where she excels at any other time and needed to now the most. It was beyond devastating to have her body fail her like that. _Another failure_. Just as quickly as that thought ripped through her mind, her right leg gave out, forcing her knee to hit the ground hard breaking her fall. Mikasa paid it no heed. For her current pain was beyond anything she had physically felt before. This was nothing.

_Annie. Annie. _ Mikasa felt like she was losing her mind. _Any minute now. For everyone to see. _She had stopped caring what anyone thought of her. _Damn my reputation._ She'd never cared for it. She'd only cared about what Annie thought of her. Her tears were overflowing, cascading down her cheeks but she dares not to blink. _Not to speak. Not to scream how much this all means to me._ _Annie—_

_—Will I ever_ _know_—her bittersweet thought began as her body started to shake violently from the inside_—how it feels to hold you close?_

It was such a depressing thought because of all the _hope_ she had put behind it. How much she had desperately needed it.

—_will I?_ She had no acceptable answer for such a fairy tale question.

_PLEASE NOTICE ME_. She screamed inside. Her heart beat furiously trying it's best to reach _her_, holding on to any hope that sprang forth. Wishing like an old man asking for a brand new start at life on his death bed. _Another chance_. Just hoping for something that wasn't going to happen.

Defeated, at a total loss_—_willing and ready to give up_—_her mind quickly screamed at her once more._ RUN TO HER DAMN YOU. RUN._

Mikasa's head jerked up quickly with widening eyes at that internal scream that was igniting her entire existence. With sudden and jerking movements, she bolted out of arms way running with such fire.

_RUN TO HER._

It echoed in her ears, obeying her wishes. Finally. Her _voice of reason._

* * *

**Final Note: **Was I the only one screaming for Mikasa to run? I hope not. This has got to be the most painful chapter I've ever written so far. Normally P5 and P6 were the ones that held a place in my heart, but the amount of times I burst out crying in this chapter is ridiculous. I was drying towards the end, and I had written a decent amount before I called it quits. Came back later and somehow it got 30x more depressing, and devastating and just fucking sad overall that naturally I repeated that insane process. I'm more or less Mikasa's voice of reason, because I do want to see her happy and find some resolution. I do want her to say all of these things to her, I do want her to find her, to run to her, to-to-to— stuff. However just because you're willing to do the right thing doesn't merit a clean conversation. When was the last time you apologized to an ex only to have them verbally bitch slap you? Exactly, not always easy. I can't speak for P12, because I haven't written it yet nor do I know how things will happen, (seriously, I'm baffle!) if anything I just made it that more complicated to write about because now I'm running with all of these emotions that Mikasa now has. I don't know how Mikasa will be able to say anything without having permission, there is just an insane amount of unknowns to really go on here that I can't say much about it besides 'see you in the next chapter!'


End file.
